Tag Archives: Spirituality

Touched By Grace

GreekOrthodoxJesusIcon

Touched by Grace

 

It was most unexpected, the response that I experienced. I walked into the meditation hall and was astoundingly surprised by the changes. His image was in the form of an extremely large painting. Greek Orthodox, I believe, was the origin of the image of Jesus the Christ. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Our Lady of Carmel to the left continued to fill my heart with radiant peace. The lights, the flowers, the beauty all before me at the altar was magnificent. I was in love.

Us new folks received a special introduction to the “Relic of the True Cross.” I had no idea about this relic or the fact that the Catholic faith believed in relics. It was not even on my radar. Completely clueless and ignorant. Yet, there I was in its holy presence. I trust God knows what He is doing when he brought me to the retreat, and now in the Divine Presence of this holy relic. I am deeply honored and bow to the Divine for His holy hand in my life.

I decided I would sign up for special vigil with the Relic of the True Cross. This happened on the last night of the retreat. The space was super charged and full of deeply meditative mystics. The Presence of God was palpable in the room and within. I felt deeply grounded with Him, as Him, and with Him. To see all as Him was my silent mantra. It was effortless to be in Presence. The contentment I felt was utterly soothing and calmed my whole being. I continue to hold the essence of the Presence. It is less deep as I work and engage in life’s experiences, however it is still ever part of the experience of being whole.

Similarly to Amma’s darshan, we all had the opportunity to receive the Relic. Many experienced the Presence of the Relic take their body in such a way that they needed help getting up on their feet and supported in a chair. This was a curious experience for me as I watched intently. As the darshan continued, I experienced moments of great emotion and empathy. I wept and wept. This was most interesting because I was completely unaware of what I was feeling. It was not like a typical emotional response. It resembled empathy whereby I was sensing the experiences of others as my own. One transcendental experienced profound emotion and wept out loud once touched by the Relic. She seemed inconsolable. It took over many of their body-mind experiences.

It came time when I was in the darshan line. I had my mala and wedding rings in my left hand to be blessed by the Relic. Once the jewelry touches the Relic, they are considered secondary relics. Jerry explained that the important significance in this was that upon my death, the secondary relics would need to be burned or handed down to someone else. (I am thinking of handing them down to Morgan.)I was kneeling on the thing that Catholic kneel on for prayer.After the rings were blessed and placed back into my left palm, Jerry brought the Relic in front of my eyes to give it a good look. I have never seen anything like it. It was a red cross made of metal, I think. There was a small bubbled up magnifying glass at the top, middle, bottom, and at both right and left, each containing a piece of history – the shroud Jesus wore at His crucifixion, a piece of the blood stained cross he was on, a piece of the table from the last supper, and other things. My eyes held such reverence for what they were witnessing. Jerry began to say a prayer while placing the middle part of the Relic – where the True Cross was – upon my third eye. In less than five seconds, my head was thrown back, and helpers were lifting me up and placing me onto a chair just to the right of the prayer stool. It was like a subtle jolt upon my whole being. Not my body, but my entire presence. Not more than a few seconds later, I was in hysterics crying. Totally inconsolable and it took over my whole being. While this experience was happening, I recall being witness to my experience in the most subtle way I can imagine. Several times I fell into a fit of tears and wailing. What was this? I had visions of being at Jesus of Nazareth’s crucifixion. I was a woman who fell to her knees at His feet crying out of sorrow for what had happened to Him. There was also crying out of joy for I knew, somehow, that He was Divine and this was part of His Passion; His life was God’s life and I knew that it was all okay. In between crying fits, I would fall deep into a transcendental state of being. After some time passed, I think an hour, I was still sitting there with eyes closed and deeply in the experience of Presence. My body was there but I was not entirely attached to it. I had heard things happening. Chairs were moving. People whispering. Something was changing all around me I felt. At some point, I was able to open my eyes. I noticed that I was part of the first vigil of folks who were witnessing the Relic that night. All the while, Om Jesu Christi was playing in the background. I looked up at the Relic sitting upon the altar at the bottom of the Jesus painting. I wept again. The second hour, midnight came around, and Max was in the chair beside me. Brendan was across the way, then moved to the chair on the other side of me. Each time my eyes opened and looked upon the Relic, I wept uncontrollably. Brendan put his hand of my back and gave me more tissues. I had these two angels by my side. One O’clock was coming around and I was being called to kneel in front of the Relic once again. It took a while, but my body started to move and it stood up and walked to the front of the altar. I felt completely calm and at peace. It was a deep contentment that filled my whole being. Folding my hands, I bowed in deep reverence to Jesus, the Christ. For I knew in my heart and wholeness, I was being touched by Grace. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. I was in love. I was Love. I was God loving His Son. I was God seeing Himself through this body. I had not wanted to leave the room. It was like saying goodbye to Amma at the end of Devi Bhava. “No, I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want you to leave me!” My heart was exploding with so much love. I walked with my pillow which I had on my retreat chair and stood at the back of the room staring at Jesus and the Relic. I noticed my resistance to leaving. I stood there for several minutes. Max was nearby looking upon me and giving me eyes of concern in case I needed assistance. I didn’t. I bowed to Max. I bowed over and over to Jesus. Thanking Him for what He did; for the courage He had to come here into a body knowing He would suffer terribly ending in a horrific death, all for the sake of…(my mind cannot fathom what my heart and soul know to be True)…all of humanities karma. What does that even mean?!? My mind cannot figure that out, but somehow the Truth is within. I was in AWE and deep Gratitude for Jesus’ mission. I left knowing in my heart that God was always with me, living through me. I knew that I would never be alone. I left knowing all was good and God would take care of everything. I trusted in God. God’s Grace touched me that night. God knew what He was doing sending me to that retreat. God knew it was time to awaken in my heart His Love and Grace. God is All-Powerful, All-Knowing, All-Loving. I see you. I bow to Thee. (July 2017 – StillPoint Retreat Waltham, Ma)

God Speaks

Each night before sleep, I read God Speaks by Meher Baba. It blows my mind, and completely breaks my heart open. After reading the section about Perfection, I was left with tears streaming down my face and a heart filled with the greatest Gratitude I have ever felt. This is the first time Meher has cracked me open and left me in greater awe than I have felt as of yet. My love and connection with God and the God-Man that was Meher is growing exponentially.  I love how I feel inside when I spend moments thinking and speaking about Meher, God, my Guru, and all other magnificent Masters.
I am so in love.
The days leading up to my Sadguru’s Maha Samadhi, over ten years ago, I felt very confused and deeply sad because I did not understand how my Baba; my Sadguru, a Perfect Master could be going through human suffering and death, and especially in a place like a nursing home. I grieved because I knew I would miss him. And moreso, because I did not know how to respond to his death and dying experience at all. In one moment Baba would respond to his devotees visiting, “I’m good.. I’m good…(and shaking his Hindu head)”, then the next moment with the hospice nurse he spoke of the pain he experienced. I was lost inside! I could not understand for the life of me what to do with any of it. That alone left me feeling so helpless.
Lost
In God Speaks, Meher describes the evolution of consciousness and the involution of consciousness. The other night I read a section Meher describes as the three states of Perfection:
The first type is known as “Kamil” — The Perfect One.
The second type is known as “Akmal” — The Most Perfect One.
The third type is known as “Mukammil” — The Supremely Perfect One.
Something begins to touch my heart as I digest the descriptions of this Pure Knowledge. Tears ran down my cheeks. As I kept wiping the water from my eyes, I felt a fullness come over and through my whole being.
My Heart opens
My Baba, my Guru began to awaken in my mind and heart with full strength. Memories flooded into me. I met my Guru when in my mid-twenties. When I realized He was my teacher, I was ready for the path of awakening. I was a good student. At the time, I felt I was doing everything I was supposed to do and be. Oh, how lost was I! I got up every morning at 5 am and practiced meditation (at the same location on my particular cushion), yogasanas, and pranayama. I chanted and read devotional texts and sacred scriptures. I did not miss a beat! Again, I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to to attain greater states of consciousness. What I understood later was that my attachment to any result was getting in the way and I was just merely following a regimented lifestyle. My heart was in the right place, but my mind was a little off. The practices were good for me nonetheless, but the attitude was not as pure as I thought it was. I was an ascetic yogi that needed waking up. The wake-up call began when Baba’s body became ill and needed extra care beyond what his family could offer day-to-day. It was his death and dying that really confused me and ultimately lead me to shutting down to some degree. I was sitting in the unknown. My entire yoga practice stopped. My personal relationship ended. My best friend and I got in a fight, then he eventually moved to Mexico, and after a short re-connection he died! This was devastating. I threw myself into my massage work. I began to be a fanatic with being so pure for the purpose of enlightenment. I practiced Saucha, the yoga Niyama, cleanliness.  I practiced raw veganism thinking this was the way, yet it ultimately aggravated my sensitive pitta/vata body to the point of internal bleeding and ulceration. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. I was wrecked. I was truly so far away from who I was and my focus was askew. I had never been so lost in all my life.
Lost
The fact is, I never stopped loving Baba. I could never! I just did not know how to feel or what to do with what happened when he died. I was truly lost inside. (I find it profound to meet spiritual people who have great faith and devotion to Jesus or other Masters who they had never met in the flesh) I had over 9 years sitting at Baba’s feet. I could touch him, laugh with him, eat pizza prasad with him every week (even when the pizza was not that great!), sing and chant with him, attend ceremonies and concerts with him, ask him questions, talk with him anytime, and even visit him at his home. What a gift! I was young and possibly did not realize how special that was. Could I have possibly taken it for granted?!  I have no time in my life for being hard on myself. Love is what matters most. It does not matter what happened in the past. All we have is this moment, right now. Or at least, this is what I have to say to myself or I will allow the old records to play and I will spiral down into a not-so-healthy space. I need to stay above water here and right now if I can tread the waters of being in the moment with gentleness and compassion then I am doing good.
I am so in love
So, back to what I am reading in God Speaks, the Perfect Master or Sadguru establishes himself in God but lives the life of God as God’s individual representative in Illusion. Meaning, they live a life of infinite knowledge, power and bliss, but uses these infinite aspects in the state of Perfection for those (us beings who are yet to be awake) who are still in Illusion. As Meher continues to explain, the Sadguru lives a dual role; that of “God and man.” Now, while there is a “knowingness” inside me that recognizes this Truth, I am somehow unable to put it in words, because I think, I am not living in this state. While I understand what Meher is expounding on, at the same time, there is something showing up inside which is giving rise to a greater feeling of understanding that goes back to when I was very confused during my Guru’s dying process. In my words, Baba was established in the Infinitude of Sat, Chit, Ananda – Truth, Consciousness, Bliss, while simultaneously in a human body which has karma to burn away still. Baba still lived in a human form while being, what I call, “enlightened.” The body is not Him. He was Sat-Chit-Ananda simultaneously while in a human body, which continues to experience body impressions of pain, suffering, weakness, and death.
Tears flowing
A light heart growing
Peace abides
Meher says, “Perfection does not belong to God as God, nor does it belong to man as man…. The finite being, who is conscious of his being finite, is obviously short of Perfection; but when he is conscious of his being one with the Infinite, he is Perfect…. Thus we have Perfection when the finite transcends its limits and realizes it’s Infinity, or when the Infinite gives up its supposed aloofness and becomes man; in both cases the finite and the Infinite do not stand outside each other. When there is a happy and conscious blending of the finite and the Infinite we have Perfection.”
Lost, no longer, am I
For God has awakened the Truth in me
I know now who you are
I am so in love
One time I visited Baba at his home. We sat quietly together without speaking for some moments. I looked into His eyes in another moment and I was suddenly struck with grief and began crying. He asked, “Why are you crying?” I knew deep inside that Baba had to know. I had learned from older devotees that he could read minds. So, what did he ask me this question? It made no sense to me. I looked at Baba and as if he was a crystal clear mirror, I saw a perfectly clear internal picture of myself, and all the unskillful experiences of my life. Overwhelming shame and remorse is what I felt at that moment which had led to tears. It was one moment in my life where being seen was the most painful experience ever.
Shame
My husband has asked this question in relation to certain Meher quotes and phrases. Like, why would someone who is God respond that way or say such a thing. Meher Baba talked about this. While being in the “I am God” experience, there is a state of “abiding-in” which is what Sufis often reference as “drunk in love”, I believe. They are so intoxicated by God’s love that all there is is God’s love. However, Meher shares that the One who experiences infinite knowledge and power while being drowned in infinite bliss can like and dislike, ask or reject, seem happy or angry; it is an automatic reflex action of which the One is unconscious, like the sound of snoring is to the fast-asleep man emitting it. Ramesh Balsekar, another Master teacher also speaks about awakened Consciousness and how one who is in this state responds. They are responding without volition, meaning they are responding from a place of Presence, or in the moment where One abides in pure Consciousness which is not from impressions of the mind or emotions; or sanskaras.
Drunk in love
Going back to my night of great understanding and deep gratitude to Meher and the Pure Knowledge He shares from God Speaks, I continue to revere Satchitananda, God Consciousness, Meher, and my Guru, Baba and his Guru, Ramlal. With tears of Joy, my heart is bowing to all that IS.  One of the three states of Perfection, “Kamil“,  The Perfect One, can spontaneously give conscious experience of the realization God to only one man, Meher explains. I was in a bit of shock when I read this, because this was the case of my Sadguru, Dr V.S. Rao. His Sadguru, Ramlal, held a special contest for all his yoga devotees. For the one aspirant who showed the most dedication and commitment, Ramlal would impart realization. Dr. V. S. Rao, My Baba won the contest! How fortunate was He and all who had the privilege and honor to sit with Him and receive His love, His Wisdom, His shaktipat(s).
I am so in love
I do not even know what to say or how to feel because all I know is that I am so in love. All that matters is this love I am experiencing within. It does not matter that I am human with imperfections anymore. It does not matter that I do not sit in meditation on the same cushion in the same spot at the exact most appropriate so-to-speak time. It does not matter that my Guru is not physically in a body where I can bow and touch his feet or go eat pizza prasad. It does not matter that I have Ulcerative Colitis because I know that I am pure in my God-Isness. It does not matter that I have not physically met Meher Baba (btw, HAPPY 124th BIRTHDAY MERWAN!!!!!) in this lifetime, because I know in my heart this love is real. 
All that I know
is Nothing
All that I LOVE
is Everything
What matters is Loving Everything
As Everything is God