This saying was posted for reflection on a Crohns/Colitis support forum that I belong to – “Patience: Accepting That Control Requires Self-Care”. I reflect on control as “taking my life back” which is not about control so much as it is about completely being OKAY with what is happening at any given moment. This is more about letting go of control, but I think our only control is how I respond to any life circumstance. EVERYTHING else, I believe, is NOT in my control, even though I might think it is. I am strengthening my relationship with God for the last two years which looks like the quality of patience. Patience to me is redirecting my focus from my thoughts, judgments, conditioning, emotions, and whatever other ego/personality stuff that is limited to this body/mind unit. I love and appreciate these aspects of myself very much because it makes up the experiences of the Danielle in the life. However, I am so much more than all of those things. I trust in Divine Consciousness and the qualities of being One with all that is. Patience to me is letting myself completely trust in THAT consciousness. Imagine a child falling back into the arms of their mother. That is the trust I speak of. It’s hard to put in words. The patience is also knowing that no matter what action I take in life, the Divine will continue to “roll out the red carpet for me”, as Alaya Dickinson, an awakened being says in her Satsang. I understand it to mean the Divine will keep coming for me to offer opportunities (whether comfortable or not) so that I may remember who I truly am – a Divine Light and caretaker of that Light.

Patience is something new for me to explore. I started sinking my teeth and bones into it during a Stillpoint Retreat in Waltham, Ma. where diving into the cosmic ocean is where it’s at. It is the mystic path. The mystic is one who sees the waves (individual consciousness) from the perspective of the Ocean (god consciousness). Faith and Patience are two things that are pillars for supporting our relationship with God. Faith is the trusting part. Patience is the knowing that no matter what, God will come for me and I can just live my life being who I am to the best that I know how. God coming for me is letting go of how I want or prefer life to be. I can just be myself and hold the Truth that all things in this Universe are God experiencing Himself as God. I don’t have to do anything. I can just BE who I am.

Let’s take a look at my process for a moment. Friday morning I finish my Kriya yoga sadhana and go into kitchen to make breakfast before I leave to meet a friend at 8am for P90X workout. I notice crumbs on the floor under my bare feet and decide to get the broom to sweep the kitchen but I’m not liking the dirty floor feeling. After turning the light on, I discover, for the second time since June, meal worms all over the freakin’ kitchen floor! DISGUSTING! So, I feel appalled and disgusted and sweep them up. It took me 45 minutes to clean them up and then my feet and hands, which I did over and over again because they kept coming out from under the cork tiled floors where there were little cracks. UGH! Needless to say, I did not make it to friend’s house for 8am P90X workout, as I cancelled and said I would do it at home alone today. Already, I was feeling slightly aggravated and definitely not wanting what was happening because I wanted to stick to my regular routine. The moment I recognized the emotions and how I was going about the situation, I asked, out loud mind you to the meal worms, “what are you here to teach me? Oh, so you are God as well, why is God showing up this way right now?” I immediately got, “this is your practice this morning…picking up meal worms.” Hmm…OKAY. So, I was taking responsibility, or the willingness to be respond, and chose to just pick up the meal worms until there were no more meal worms to pick up. At first, while I was doing it, I had a minor edge of emotional/mental upset. Then, once I saw the meal worms from a perspective of God Consciousness and asked myself, “Am I okay with this?” I realized, yeah, no big deal. I will tend to the meal worms, because this is God rolling out the red carpet for me. I remembered who I am and who all things are – God in form. Then, I felt hungry so I chose to not do the workout and ate a nice healthy breakfast feeling relaxed and at ease, because I realized that I was truly okay with the workout not happening the way it usually does or at all for that matter. I also knew that if I wanted to have a workout that I had time later in afternoon where I would have the opportunity if it were to present itself (which it did and I completed my workout).

The patience in this was in recognizing that God showed up as meal worms and I learned that it was okay to just tend to that experience because it was what was right in front of me at the moment. I was hungry afterwards so I ate a good breakfast which again was what showed up at the moment and I willingly addressed that. The patience was also in the process of letting go into what was happening and not what I preferred or was used to doing. This is living in the Presence…of what is. It is great for me to have a routine because it allows me to stay true to my intentions and desires to live in a healthy body/mind unit, which is part of living a healthy lifestyle. The snag is when I get stuck in the routine. Change happens and when I can be okay with whatever shows up at any given moment, this is the faith and the patience knowing that this too is God directing the show that I am playing in. This is not the Danielle show. I truly believe and trust that it is God’s show. I am honored to be part of it! All this is showing me that having patience and faith, I have the ability to accept or surrender to anything and everything.

This is just the beginning for me. I have had a success in stepping outside of myself so that I can gain perspective. Alaya talks about making little cracks so that more and more light can come in. I love that! It is like clarity. Things get more clearer which makes things less confusing. More of the Light within gets to shine outward. This is letting go of control and relaxing into what is showing up right in front of us. This is taking care of the Self! This is truly allowing God to experience whatever God wants, not what the Danielle person wants. This is a beautiful gift I can give God. So, I think I will sit back in patience, relaxing in trust, and enjoy the beauty of God’s show!