Each night before sleep, I read God Speaks by Meher Baba. It blows my mind, and completely breaks my heart open. After reading the section about Perfection, I was left with tears streaming down my face and a heart filled with the greatest Gratitude I have ever felt. This is the first time Meher has cracked me open and left me in greater awe than I have felt as of yet. My love and connection with God and the God-Man that was Meher is growing exponentially.  I love how I feel inside when I spend moments thinking and speaking about Meher, God, my Guru, and all other magnificent Masters.

The days leading up to my Sadguru’s Maha Samadhi, over ten years ago, I felt very confused and deeply sad because I did not understand how my Baba; my Sadguru, a Perfect Master could be going through human suffering and death, and especially in a place like a nursing home. I grieved because I knew I would miss him. And moreso, because I did not know how to respond to his death and dying experience at all. In one moment Baba would respond to his devotees visiting, “I’m good.. I’m good…(and shaking his Hindu head)”, then the next moment with the hospice nurse he spoke of the pain he experienced. I was lost inside! I could not understand for the life of me what to do with any of it. That alone left me feeling so helpless.

In God Speaks, Meher describes the evolution of consciousness and the involution of consciousness. The other night I read a section Meher describes as the three states of Perfection:

The first type is known as “Kamil” — The Perfect One.

The second type is known as “Akmal” — The Most Perfect One.

The third type is known as “Mukammil” — The Supremely Perfect One.

Something begins to touch my heart as I digest the descriptions of this Pure Knowledge. Tears ran down my cheeks. As I kept wiping the water from my eyes, I felt a fullness come over and through my whole being.

My Baba, my Guru began to awaken in my mind and heart with full strength. Memories flooded into me. I met my Guru when in my mid-twenties. When I realized He was my teacher, I was ready for the path of awakening. I was a good student. At the time, I felt I was doing everything I was supposed to do and be. Oh, how lost was I! I got up every morning at 5 am and practiced meditation (at the same location on my particular cushion), yogasanas, and pranayama. I chanted and read devotional texts and sacred scriptures. I did not miss a beat! Again, I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to to attain greater states of consciousness. What I understood later was that my attachment to any result was getting in the way and I was just merely following a regimented lifestyle. My heart was in the right place, but my mind was a little off. The practices were good for me nonetheless, but the attitude was not as pure as I thought it was. I was an ascetic yogi that needed waking up. The wake-up call began when Baba’s body became ill and needed extra care beyond what his family could offer day-to-day. It was his death and dying that really confused me and ultimately lead me to shutting down to some degree. I was sitting in the unknown. My entire yoga practice stopped. My personal relationship ended. My best friend and I got in a fight, then he eventually moved to Mexico, and after a short re-connection he died! This was devastating. I threw myself into my massage work. I began to be a fanatic with being so pure for the purpose of enlightenment. I practiced Saucha, the yoga Niyama, cleanliness.  I practiced raw veganism thinking this was the way, yet it ultimately aggravated my sensitive pitta/vata body to the point of internal bleeding and ulceration. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. I was wrecked. I was truly so far away from who I was and my focus was askew. I had never been so lost in all my life.

The fact is, I never stopped loving Baba. I could never! I just did not know how to feel or what to do with what happened when he died. I was truly lost inside. (I find it profound to meet spiritual people who have great faith and devotion to Jesus or other Masters who they had never met in the flesh) I had over 9 years sitting at Baba’s feet. I could touch him, laugh with him, eat pizza prasad with him every week (even when the pizza was not that great!), sing and chant with him, attend ceremonies and concerts with him, ask him questions, talk with him anytime, and even visit him at his home. What a gift! I was young and possibly did not realize how special that was. Could I have possibly taken it for granted?!  I have no time in my life for being hard on myself. Love is what matters most. It does not matter what happened in the past. All we have is this moment, right now. Or at least, this is what I have to say to myself or I will allow the old records to play and I will spiral down into a not-so-healthy space. I need to stay above water here and right now if I can tread the waters of being in the moment with gentleness and compassion then I am doing good.

So, back to what I am reading in God Speaks, the Perfect Master or Sadguru establishes himself in God but lives the life of God as God’s individual representative in Illusion. Meaning, they live a life of infinite knowledge, power and bliss, but uses these infinite aspects in the state of Perfection for those (us beings who are yet to be awake) who are still in Illusion. As Meher continues to explain, the Sadguru lives a dual role; that of “God and man.” Now, while there is a “knowingness” inside me that recognizes this Truth, I am somehow unable to put it in words, because I think, I am not living in this state. While I understand what Meher is expounding on, at the same time, there is something showing up inside which is giving rise to a greater feeling of understanding that goes back to when I was very confused during my Guru’s dying process. In my words, Baba was established in the Infinitude of Sat, Chit, Ananda – Truth, Consciousness, Bliss, while simultaneously in a human body which has karma to burn away still. Baba still lived in a human form while being, what I call, “enlightened.” The body is not Him. He was Sat-Chit-Ananda simultaneously while in a human body, which continues to experience body impressions of pain, suffering, weakness, and death.

Meher says, “Perfection does not belong to God as God, nor does it belong to man as man…. The finite being, who is conscious of his being finite, is obviously short of Perfection; but when he is conscious of his being one with the Infinite, he is Perfect…. Thus we have Perfection when the finite transcends its limits and realizes it’s Infinity, or when the Infinite gives up its supposed aloofness and becomes man; in both cases the finite and the Infinite do not stand outside each other. When there is a happy and conscious blending of the finite and the Infinite we have Perfection.”

One time I visited Baba at his home. We sat quietly together without speaking for some moments. I looked into His eyes in another moment and I was suddenly struck with grief and began crying. He asked, “Why are you crying?” I knew deep inside that Baba had to know. I had learned from older devotees that he could read minds. So, what did he ask me this question? It made no sense to me. I looked at Baba and as if he was a crystal clear mirror, I saw a perfectly clear internal picture of myself, and all the unskillful experiences of my life. Overwhelming shame and remorse is what I felt at that moment which had led to tears. It was one moment in my life where being seen was the most painful experience ever.

My husband has asked this question in relation to certain Meher quotes and phrases. Like, why would someone who is God respond that way or say such a thing. Meher Baba talked about this. While being in the “I am God” experience, there is a state of “abiding-in” which is what Sufis often reference as “drunk in love”, I believe. They are so intoxicated by God’s love that all there is is God’s love. However, Meher shares that the One who experiences infinite knowledge and power while being drowned in infinite bliss can like and dislike, ask or reject, seem happy or angry; it is an automatic reflex action of which the One is unconscious, like the sound of snoring is to the fast-asleep man emitting it. Ramesh Balsekar, another Master teacher also speaks about awakened Consciousness and how one who is in this state responds. They are responding without volition, meaning they are responding from a place of Presence, or in the moment where One abides in pure Consciousness which is not from impressions of the mind or emotions; or sanskaras.

Going back to my night of great understanding and deep gratitude to Meher and the Pure Knowledge He shares from God Speaks, I continue to revere Satchitananda, God Consciousness, Meher, and my Guru, Baba and his Guru, Ramlal. With tears of Joy, my heart is bowing to all that IS.  One of the three states of Perfection, “Kamil“,  The Perfect One, can spontaneously give conscious experience of the realization God to only one man, Meher explains. I was in a bit of shock when I read this, because this was the case of my Sadguru, Dr V.S. Rao. His Sadguru, Ramlal, held a special contest for all his yoga devotees. For the one aspirant who showed the most dedication and commitment, Ramlal would impart realization. Dr. V. S. Rao, My Baba won the contest! How fortunate was He and all who had the privilege and honor to sit with Him and receive His love, His Wisdom, His shaktipat(s).

I do not even know what to say or how to feel because all I know is that I am so in love. All that matters is this love I am experiencing within. It does not matter that I am human with imperfections anymore. It does not matter that I do not sit in meditation on the same cushion in the same spot at the exact most appropriate so-to-speak time. It does not matter that my Guru is not physically in a body where I can bow and touch his feet or go eat pizza prasad. It does not matter that I have Ulcerative Colitis because I know that I am pure in my God-Isness. It does not matter that I have not physically met Meher Baba (btw, HAPPY 124th BIRTHDAY MERWAN!!!!!) in this lifetime, because I know in my heart this love is real.